Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of self-loathing, haunted by past mistakes and decisions? The sweet sorrow of our past often keeps us ensnared in perpetual rumination, a destructive force that stifles growth and breeds anxiety. We look back in horror, asking ourselves, “How could I ever be so stupid?” or “If only I did this,” and “If only I did that.” This cycle of negative thinking acts like superglue, trapping us in place, preventing us from moving forward, learning the lessons meant to be had, and growing from our experiences. This process, called rumination, is exceptionally unproductive, destructive, and a catalyst for anxiety and depression.

My fellow overthinkers and introverts might be all too familiar with this phenomenon. So, too, might those experiencing a major life crisis: losing a loved one, going through a divorce or separation from a long-term partner, losing a job, and so on. The list is admittedly exhausting, and it doesn’t take much for our monkey brains to go into overdrive, thinking of every potential situation and outcome, wondering if there’s an alternate universe somewhere where things would have been different. If it wasn’t obvious enough, rumination is that pesty little “critical inner voice” or “anti-self” that tells us how unworthy and god-awful we are. It insists we deserve a life sentence of shame and suffering because we forgot a friend’s birthday, got rejected by that one barista, or because our spouse decided to leave us. Rumination is the mental equivalent of running in circles during a marathon and wondering why you haven’t made it to the finish line.

We can all agree that rumination sucks. However, diving deep into ourselves, our thoughts and our feelings is still an essential human experience necessary for growth. This requires healthy yet sometimes painful self-reflection on past mistakes, decisions, and actions. However, it’s the way we reflect on those events that move us forward, not in circles. This process, otherwise known as introspection, is a necessary and productive form of self-reflection that enables us to move forward, check in with ourselves, and identify blind spots to help cultivate a better version of ourselves. The tricky part about introspection is that it’s a skill. If we’ve never engaged in this part of ourselves, we probably suck at it. The good thing about skills is that we can develop and hone them over time with practice. Neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Siegel refers to the introspective process as “time in” and includes it as one of the seven activities in his “Healthy Mind Platter” for healthier living.

Dr. Siegel suggests adopting a COAL mentality when developing our introspective skills. What is COAL? It’s a fancy acronym reminding us to maintain a Curious, Open, Accepting, and Loving attitude when self-reflecting. This approach aims to cancel out the rumination process that keeps us stagnant. The goal is to develop a progressive attitude about ourselves to achieve our goals, make changes, and grow as human beings. So rather than dwelling on a past mistake, ruminating about it, and paralyzing ourselves in a perpetual cycle of self-hatred, we approach the thought with curiosity, an open mind, and acceptance of our imperfections and flaws, all while loving ourselves throughout the process. If there are things we don’t like about our former selves, trapping ourselves in the negative feelings associated with past events is unproductive. We only hinder and halt any potential progress because we are stuck in a moment that has already happened. But if we adopt a COAL attitude, fostering self-compassion and self-love, we can love ourselves through the process, observe the mistakes, and learn what we will and won’t do next time.

In short, ruminating is easy, destructive, unproductive, and often our default setting. We must fight against our monkey brains to combat negative self-talk and mental prisons. Introspection takes mindful awareness and effort and requires a lot of self-compassion. If we are used to letting our “anti-self” take the wheel and sabotage our thoughts, the prospect of quieting that voice seems daunting. Jotting down my feelings and lessons in a journal helps me make sense of myself. Challenging that pesky sonofabitch that keeps telling us to live a life of shame and regret is paramount if we want to grow from an experience rather than become a prisoner to it. It helps to have a written document of our realizations and a friendly reminder that we are all works in progress, doing the best we can with the tools we have.

Before I end this post, let me leave you with one final message: you are not your mistakes. You are not defined by the decisions you’ve made in the past. You did your best with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. Only when we turn each ruminating thought into a lesson learned, not a mental prison, can we begin to cultivate growth—moving away from who we were toward the person we want to become.